Time

This blog, has all the pain I have kept inside me.
The pains that I am now letting go.

Waking up each day hoping for the best is tiring.
Running closer to the ending of a path that never ends is tiring.
Waiting is tiring.
Loving is tiring.
Hurting is tiring.
Endless dreaming is tiring.

so i’m waking up now. it’s about time to start dreaming of real dreams. it’s about time to let go of things that are less significant. it’s about time to let go and forget people who drains my life.

and maybe, it’s about time to let go of this blog now..

Kick your arse!

You are so annoying.
YOu just woke up, so?
I guess theres a better answer
that FUckin’ “ok”
OKAY?
UNDERSTAND?
now yeah
Rhee your arse!
YOu ass!
i love you still
anyway!
ANd THANK U
fuckin’ thank you
for being a
GOOD friend
Take care
beast!

Exupery

You become responsible for what you have tamed forever.
- Antoine de Saint Exupery

“Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction.” – Antoine de Saint Exupery

Never

I received your message a couple of minutes ago. You telling me you’re cooking and cleaning stuff didn’t make me happy. But then, you saying It’s never too late to start made me smile. Smile, because I felt better. I felt better because I knew it would be something different. I felt better because I knew something brighter is just around the corner.

So yeah. Never Jays. It’s never too late to start again.

Please how? :(

How do you tell someone you need him no more?
How do you tell someone you’ve gone cold of him?
How do you tell someone you’re tired and don’t want to wait anymore?
How do you tell someone after all, you ended up not having the exact feeling when he left you?
How do you tell someone you’re too hurt?
How do you tell someone you’re not capable of giving the love back the way you used to?
How do you tell someone?
How do you tell someone without hurting him?
HOW
DO
YOU
TELL someone
THAT
YOU ARE NO LONGER IN LOVE WITH HIM?
How do you tell someone you don’t see him in your future?
How do you tell someone to let you go?
HOW?

Cold You

No
I’ve
never
gone
cold
of
you

It is you who is cold…
Cold.. cold.. cold
Cold like a stormy night
Cold like an ice
Cold like snow
Cold like…

love you

i love you
but i love him
he doesn’t love you
but still i love him
i love you
i love you no more
but still i love you
love you, love you

Why do you have to lie?

Do you remember the time you said you dreamt of us together sitting on the windowseat while we watched the sun as it slowly hid itself behind the mountains?

Do you remember the time when you sang your very first song for me?

Do you remember the many sleepless nights of our long talks?

Do you remember the times that you kept repeating that you love me?

Do you remember the many wishes of us together, the many positive talks that we’ll deal with everything together?

Do you remember how many times you told me to wait, to just wait until the time that you’ll be ready?

Do you remember how I patiently waited and trusted that soon you’ll be back for me?

Do you remember how I always tell you that you are my superman?

Do you remember that poem, the one you said the most beautiful poem you’ve ever written and that it was for me?

Do you remember the times you promised me you won’t do anything that’ll hurt me, because you will be hurting more?

Now that I am wounded and bleeding, are you hurting?

Now that my life is wrecked and doomed, will you stay with me?

You are the reason behind these tears in my eyes while writing this one. You are the reason of this bitterness I’m feeling.

You kept me hanging. You kept me believing. You kept me holding on to a false forever.

I never knew when… when did I start losing you? You could have given me hints, instead of false hopes.

I did all I can to make you happy. I did all I can to make you feel appreciated and loved.

Why do you have to be so selfish and unfair? You could’ve told me to move on, to not wait and to set free the feelings that I kept for you.

You had all the chance. You had all the time. Why didn’t you?

grown up on biz!

It was just a dream when we were in college (glyn, dette and I) , and apparently now that we’ve got some savings, it’s comin’ to life —— that is to start our own coffee/pastry/cocktail/whatever club business…

uhmmm, we’re currently doin the pre-planning, and yeah, we’re taking risk!

Hope it works pretty well…

Endings, Life, Rage, Emptiness, My home

I feel trapped inside the well again, trapped more than ever. I have tried to make everyday brighter if you noticed but then, last dawn, aroun 4 am, I felt the water raising up. The well is no longer empty, water came rushing from under and my feet are beeing pulled down. That moment, I felt like dying, and then it was pure silence. Darkness, sleep evaded me.

So now again I am jailed in this office that I have been trying to escape for many days now, but I’m like a puppet being pulled with strings. I couldn’t get out and move on my own because of the people who are holding me, maneuvering me.

I have so many plans, so many beautiful dreams that are just there. Waiting for me, and I just couldn’t reach them no matter how near they are. An invisible barrier is blocking my way. I want to rage, I want to scream in tears to let out my anger for the unfairness of this world. I just can’t do it, I wish I can.
Yes, I am blessed with some friends and family, yet I know inside that ain’t enough. I am not selfish, I just want more. I just want things that I know I can have, things that I can have but I don’t know when. I’m tired of this cycle. I’m tired of waiting.

Now I have a better plan, tomorrow right after my work, I’m escaping again. I’ve always been great with it. Leaving without saying goodbye. Leaving friends wondering where I am and if I’m okay. Shutting off my cell phone, and they would be crazy with worry. I know, I know it’s a bad thing to do, but I cannot tell them where I’m going. They know me, and they will understand. They know I just leave when I can’t take life anymore. They know I’d be back when I’m okay, or better, or not. I need to do this for myself, I need to do this to be able to know what I really need to do. I need to shut my doors to close cycles. I need to hide from the world for now.

I need my mom, she’s my home. Wherever she is, that’s where I’ll be.

Equilibrium, woman in yellow, pigging out, friends, beenee, mum and bubu..

My life? It has never reached its equipoise. Sometime I wonder if equality is really possible. To what I observe around my world, nothing has ever been equal, not even the intangible things.

I do my best to be able to lend my both hands to the people I love, but sometimes it is so tiring to help people who only remember you when they need you. I am not regretting the times that I have helped them, but then I guess I deserve a little thank you. So, there, an example that nothing is equal, not with friendship, because at one point or another, one gives more than the other.

Relationship wise, well, I undoubtedly admit that I gave more than what I had received. Maybe that’s how it is when you think you love someone. You try your best to please them, and you try to give them what they want. If there’s just one thing that I wish can be given equally, that would be love among lovers. Maybe the world will be so good if no one will ever cry over a broken heart. <3 <3 <3

I feel bad that I wasn't able to watch the full coverage of the funeral service for our late president. She is indeed a national treasure who will never be forgotten by the Filipino people. I was born '86 during the time that she had fought for the freedom of her fellowmen. I remember my mom telling me I was named after Cory and my father's mother. I hated my name, still do sometimes, but then now, I have this lonely feeling inside me whenever I'm reminded that that woman in yellow will never be back in here. Well, one thing is sure, she will live forever in the lives of those who loved and love her.

I pigged out last night. I was so irritated knowing the fact that I couldn't eat ice cream, so when I had the chance to have a ten minute break, I literall jumped out of my corporate chair and went to the Podium to get some Chocolate ice cream, and yeah, I ate Hershey chocolate, but the sweets weren't enough, so I texted Ate Camae to get me some chocolates because I was craving for them. I took a cab as soon as I logged out from the office, it was raining dinosaurs and elephants!!! Well to cut the story short. I waited for Ate Camae, so we could talk about our new house and the color of the paint (YESSH It's green!) and of course to munch the chocolate that her lalabs bought for me. So while talking, we ate Jamaican patties, chocolate kisses and jelly ace, (Wahaha) and ate some cheese sticks from Pan de Manila. so there. I feel like dying now because I wanted to eat pizza and popcorn and blue berry cheesecake, and hell yes, I will get 'em all later. hehehe

Oh, by the way, I got a new froggie, his name is BeeNee,(gonna post some pics soon) it was given by Neil. (Dette's boy friend) Geesh! lovelovelove

And my cousin Gheyl bought me some frogs and penguin stickers. (lol, yes she bought me penguin stickers, i dunno, how was that?)

Sigh, I miss my mom, and i would like to see her new apartment, she told me dad was taking care of the furnishing and all. (OKAY, I'm not from a broken family, mum just needs to get an apartment because our home is too far from her work.)

I told my friends about Buuu and they were all like, "OMG."

Buuu

I called you up tonight, apparently your not yet home. I hate to knoe that you’re still not home when I knoe you should be home by that time, and I was like appalled to heart Matt’s voice over the phone, like okay fine, so you left you phone again, and I dunno why you’re too good. Sigh, Okay I don’t have to understand why, because that’s you, and I just love that, but then, like you knoe I would be waiting, and why did you left the phone when you said you’d be texting me when you wake up, like I even sent you a message last midnight.

And I dun feel well right now, like I feel kinda upset. Geeeh, I need you now Buuu. and needing you scares the hell out of me.

Sumthing stupid happened in the office again, and it’s like OMFG, why the hell do I still work here. Gaaah, I sooooo wanna go, but mum said I should enjoy my last days in the company, and that’s what i’ve been trying. I wish I could pull the days closer…

Anyway, I hope you’re fine hunnie. I knoe you’re tired, and needs a good long sleep, but sleep on your bed, not on the cuch ‘coz you might hurt your back again kay?

So, i’ll see you when I see you. Cheer up, am here for you, like I knoe you’re here for me. Uhmm, I’m happy, you’re too good. try to smile bubu… shnuggles and smootches and more more…

Hell Week

My co-worker came to my office desk and said “I didn’t feel you. Your aura is diminishing today.” And so yeah, it really is. It’s gonna be pure black few hours from now, because I’m dead tired.

From our province, I went straight to the office, and I need to finish a lot of progress reports, and then I have to meet ate Camae to gave her the key, and needed to decipher a way to be able to give Joy the money. It’s gonna be a hell week, I just knoe because I need to fix other stuff and other people’s stuff.
I wannaaaaaaaaa CRY. huhuhuhuhu

Now, I’m leaving the old apartment, this weekend and I don’t have time to fix my stuff. GAaaaaaaaad! The condo unit will be smellin’ like shit ‘coz it’s newly painted, but I am hoping we don’t need a cleaning.

exhausting. I need a vacation, so I’m thinking of having a two days leave from work. and hell yes, they need to approve it wether they like it or not.

FEW MORE DAYS! yay.

i miss my bubu…

byers!

Reasons why my company sucks!

I have fuckin’ load of reasons why my company sucks.

1. The admin people are not effin approachable.

2. Compensations are delayed.

3. No effin’ good benefits and incentives.

4. Bosses are lame.

5. Rules are unclear and not justifiable.

6. They don’t give increase, yet they have so many do’s and don’ts and they expect too much from their employees when they can’t even give good benefits!

7. They never listen to their employees.

8. They are into discrimination, like as if the bosses are all qualified for their effin posts when infact they can’t even spell english words properly.

9. The environment sucks, Damn, they would force employees to work eventhough they’re dying of illnesses.

10. They want quality work, but they don’t have quality policies.

11. They suck! They just do!

12. Oh yes, I’m being redundant. DAMN IT!

I’m soooooooo ANGRY and I can’t fuckin’ wait to say goodbye.

Seeing the World

Seeing the world for the nth time is making me realize the things that I disclaim to see.

Nature has always been my home, just 10 minutes ago, I stayed at the podium of our company building and felt the air touching my face. It felt different, the air was mad and hurting me. It’s very different from the air that usually brushes my face gently.

At night, I can no longer sleep well, must be the result of my attemp of opening myself again to a world that I tried to forget but kept coming back once in a while.

After two months of stumbling with this site, I tried remembering my visions. I did meditation and saw the world and how it is with my closed eyes, and I knew something is different. Peaceful and then there’s a sudden rage in it. I see colors of distortion which is hard to explain, and it scares me.

A voice is telling me to accomplish the tasks that I want to do now, and I am hoping that I would still have enough time to do these things.

And yes, it is heart breaking to hear news from people I know how they lost their sons, their lovers, their father or their friends because of the never ending war. It is heart breaking to know that there are other thousands of souls who are undergoing the misery of losing a loveone because of the war of powers among other nations.

Deep in my heart, I know that the world is in great danger. Hearing news about heavy flood, deforestation, tornadoes and raging wars and other natural calamities are only a few of the sad manifestation that sooner or later, the world will be doomed.